my focus has improved and i'm not sure why.

ideally when something is coming up, whether it's work related or it's just a personal project of mine - i usually let it run at the end because i need pressure to perform things.

while watching something online, i managed to do so and keep focus for 1.5x the speed and understand the concepts regarding what i watched and that is a surprise given the fact that i have poor memory. so i've gotten into a habit of writing stuff down to understand them and even while i'm doing it on my laptop its just as effective as writing them down on paper and my hand wouldn't hurt too because i'm just typing!

i think it has something to do with lamotrigine which is a prescribed medication for treating bipolar disorder (off-label) down feelings.

for those who are not aware, i'm diagnosed with bipolar and adhd and have been off medications for quite some time now, and ideally - i'm just coping with it via pressure or like working when its just motivating enough and interesting enough for me to work on and i believe that THAT is not sustainable. please see this very low quality drawing i have made illustrating the situation

a hand-drawn chart titled day in a life showing focus changing through the day

(yes i literally took a screenshot, i was lazy)

generally, my new psychiatrist (really cool btw) recommended that we treat my manic side of things (for reference manic is the high feeling) but i suggested that we treat the low side of things because it's really whats affecting me the majority of my life and its turned more into "i can finally start doing things at will" rather than i'm too demotivated to do anything or i don't wanna do things at all.

i remember a quote but i'm not sure where it came from and its that...

<blockquote class="focus-quote"> "we're not avoiding or procrastinating to do things, we're avoiding the emotion attached to said doing that thing" (or something the likes of that) </blockquote> - some random person on the internet i forgot (i'm sorry)

and that really resonated with me because i actually want to do the things i want to do but the emotional + down state leaves me from doing so and lamotrigine is actually one of the first medications that has worked (i've tried several before). so yeah, i really hope i get out and be stable more than unstable in the future.

(also i found this funny quote while taking the adhd reassesment, that adhd people are not reaching their full potential without treatment? that's so weird and idk how to feel about it)

want to say something regarding this? :mail: say hi!

anyways, stay stable
may